my so called life

tired.

I don't know how else to explain my exhaustion except that it's really a lot of work to be in beauty school. Some days I feel more able to do things than others. It's kind of waring on my body to be so busy all the time. Running around the salon and the stairwell, forgetting at least one of the many things I need to assist or cut a client's hair, and having to run back for it. I am also a bit of an overachiever and tend to get down on myself when I don't do well in any area of my life. Lately organization and emotions have been hard for me. Not knowing when to say what, hurting people's feelings, letting them down, never knowing what we are doing for class half the time because I'm a mess. My room is a direct reflection of how I have been lately, slowly unwinding, becoming a bit of a pile of mush.

beauty school update

It seems I have long neglected my blog, and I feel guilty about how very little time I have now to update this. I will try to give a quick little run down of recent events at school and in life in general, but just know that, it is a school day. And, I am still getting ready, so I probably shouldn't even be on here right now.

So, anyway, I auditioned for a spot on a team at school to style and create a runway show (for hair and makeup) and I made it on the team, but the best part is: I get to head up wardrobe!! By "head up" I mean, I am in charge of all the wardrobe decisions. I am the only student in the wardrobe department. Which is kind of amazing, because I would really like to do styling after I get out of school, as opposed to living in a salon. I would like to further my knowledge in the hair and makeup industry, but if connections take me to other places I will not say no.

It is exciting to be part of something so big, and of course staying in a nice hotel the night before and getting to be VIP all weekend at my first hair show EVER isn't too shabby either.

Well, I must get going, but I am going to make a promise to update more frequently.

I am off to create

1. a 5 minute eye (in under ten minutes I pray)

2. a smokey eye

Then I will take pictures, and I will post them later tonight. I am going to create an on-line photo album of the different makeup I play with on myself. This is my intention anyway,

XOXO

beauty school: day two

So, it seems I have survived the first two days of school. I can still proudly say that I am not, nor do I ever intend to be, a beauty school drop-out. I am excited and the nervousness is beginning to dissipate, making way for a beautiful process to begin. We have received almost all of our kits and bags and various accoutrements. I am sort of amazed at it all to be quite honest. I have many a product for hair and make-up, but now I know I have some of the best products available. What I own now is what a professional make-up artist would put together as a kit to learn with. 

I am still adjusting to the life of a student, waking up earlier than I have in years, plowing through notes and such like it's no business at all. It is actually requiring quite a bit of effort to be as organized and together as I have been thus far. I really don't want to be late to class or to come off as disrespectful or unwilling to learn. I don't know why I am so paranoid about how others are viewing me because, really, i should not care. It is mainly my teachers and faculty members that I wish to impress and make smile. I have not yet gotten close enough to any of the students to make real connections, but i am sure that in time I will feel close to them as well. 

My goals are to be consistent with my class work, and to maintain and meet a high expectation level of myself. I wish to wake up early every day and shower and do my hair and make-up even if I am exhausted and feel like crap. I would like to make some friends, but not get too attached to anyone and always stay focused. 

I am of course scared of failure, this is a huge leap of faith and I believe in myself, but that is a new thing, and I still feel a bit unsteady. I need to stay honest with myself and check in often to make sure that all my needs are being met. I promise to speak up if my needs are not being met, and try to adjust any situation so that I am more comfortable, if possible. 

I need to be an advocate for myself more than anything right now. I need to take charge of all activities that happen in order to make my days function as well as they do.

I need to be more on top of the laundry, clean up each night, so that it never builds up, try to remember to bring my lunch every day so that I don't have to eat out. Make coffee every morning and bring it to school with me. Only allow coffee out once or twice a week. 

I also want to make time to write more often and just in general make more time for myself. I want to watch less t.v. and read more, feed my soul and my heart, and that also means going out dancing and hanging out with friends that I love, by myself and for myself. 

New beginnings often inspire change, and I happen to be at the very start of a few things, a new year, a new life, a new career, a new phase of my relationship, a new relationship with a therapist. 

Being back in therapy is strange as well. Perhaps more so than being back in school. I feel it is the perfect time to have chosen to go back though because I will need a lot of support during this next year. 

In this time of economic stress I know mine as well as many other people's relationships have suffered. It is doubly hard for me because I am not bringing in money, at the same time that I am costing a lot of money to support right now. I know that it is a decision that we were both solid with when we made it, but even still, I know how things are right now, and it's expensive to be living here, in this city, with this lifestyle. 

I want to let go of this stress. Just put out of my mind, the idea that I am at all a burden. I know I am not. These are old voices talking to me, telling me I am not good enough, not worth it, blah blah blah. 

More soon, 

magpie 

mid-week update

I have recently returned from my interview at the beauty school, and I was accepted, passed the tests, filled out the paperwork, wowed them with my exceptional interview skills. I was super nervous, but mostly because I am just anxiety prone, not because I was really that intimidated by it. I understand that it is a huge commitment and that I am making a big decision, but it feels really perfect to be doing this now. I have the support I need to be able to be successful, and I am driven to make a career for myself.

I'm so excited to have had such a great experience with them right from the start, it gives me hope that this school is the right choice for me. It is certainly expensive, but I am going to get so much out of it, and it is such a unique learning environment. They have really small classes, which means that everyone is very close to the instructors as well as each other. It's a beautiful facility, and it's close to my house, so getting there at 8:15 won't be such a challenge.

Oh, I was rejected by the sleep study, because I take medication on a daily basis, I am not a good test subject. It's probably for the best though, because it would have been hard to commute to and from the east bay for all the tests and interviews and therapy involved in the study. I was admittedly a bit disappointed, but I'm ok now.

To reward myself for being so productive and organized lately I am going to watch the latest episode of Gossip Girl before making my shopping lists and heading to the store. Thanksgiving was getting a little stressful to plan, but I have decided to just let go of any anxiety around the holiday and accept that it is going to be whatever it ends up being. And it's going to be great I hope. Mom and Dad are coming, as well as a bunch of friends. I need to figure out what we will all be eating though, which I am clearly avoiding.

The piece I started writing a few days ago is still not finished. I know I said I would post whatever I had, but I think I am going to wait until it's a bit further along in development.

If I don't get a chance to post before Thanksgiving, have a happy holiday.

xo,

magpie

weather suitable for staying home and writing.

I am absolutely thrilled to look out the window and see such dismal looking weather, because it is the perfect sort of day to stay mostly inside. The type of day when one is maybe leaving once the entire day to retrieve a warm beverage while on one's way to do at least one task that falls into the category: productive. The warm beverage is to make it more bearable, because it is just so incredibly cold. It's cold enough to warrant the space heater, which I do enjoy, and makes my toes much warmer than they would otherwise be on their own. I have not quite woken up yet, although all I can say is a least I am up. I usually am not an early riser, though I am trying to train myself to become one. Not easy when it's freezing, and mornings are not your thing. I think it will be important to be used to getting up this early when I start school in January. I finished a cup of lady grey tea, but still feel a need to caffeine, but I should probably wait a bit.Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with the admissions director of the school i want to go to. i am getting licensed to be a cosmetologist. That's what i intend to do anyway, we will see what the cards have in store for me. Tomorrow is an interview, and apparently there is also a test that you "can't really prepare for".

SInce I was told right off the bat that the test wasn't really a big deal, and it required no preparation, I have since tried to put it out of my mind, so as not to add extra stress to my world. i am already prone to panic attacks and have horrible anxiety problems as it is, but I usually do well socially, so interviews are fine for me. I'm sure any questions on the interview to get into beauty school, I can answer with some clever and fresh response, something that will hopefully make them want to let me in on the spot.

Today I won't think about it much except I should probably pick out an outfit. I cleaned my room yesterday so all of my clothes and accessories are rightfully in their place. I have two boxes of random items that were once in a purse, that I still have to put away and attempt to organize. That should take a while. I am also trying to finish a story i started writing yesterday, but I think I may make a pot of coffee first. I will post whatever I end up drafting today, even if I don't finish.

structure

I am having a hard time being the one to implement structure in my life, especially when I have no real obligations as of right now. Finding ways to spend my days that are productive can be challenging as well as boring. I am not someone who likes being by themselves, and I would much rather be stimulated by people and places than by books and homey tasks. Although I do love curling up with a new book, and I am not above a good hard scrubbing of the kitchen floor, I just get so tired of being all by myself. So, naturally I go on the Internet and find new admittedly awful t.v. shows to get addicted to, I edit and update my blogs and various profiles, but then I find that my eyes are glossy, and I can't tolerate natural light and I wonder, is this healthy? No, it isn't. I hate that I ever started watching television again, and I despise even more the fact that it is so readily available these days. I don't even own a t.v. monitor and I am somehow obsessed with at least three different current prime-time shows. I feel like it is so hard to get away from too, because like all things I am addicted to, it does have a place in my life, it just shouldn't be such a big place. You know? Sometimes I think watching a movie or a new episode of the office is a perfectly fine thing to do, I just don't want it to consume my days. It is something that is best in small doses, I think this is called moderation. Something I am so not good at. I would love to be able to consume all things that are bad for me in moderation, but you know, I just don't think that this is very possible for someone with such an addictive personality.

While writing this entry, I can't help but think of the new Lipstick Jungle episode that aired yesterday. I am most addicted to this show, and it is hardest for me to disengage from. Truth be told, I will most definitely watch this episode, but will try to get all my chores done first. I am going to run downtown  go to the bank, and possibly return a piece of jewelry to Macy's.

Denise always says, work before play.

I say, lets just play.

my secret dream: involvement as a subject, in a sleep study

I was trolling craigslist the other day and found the ad I have been looking for my whole life. A sleep study for people with insomnia. You have to be at least 25 years old to participate, which I am. And you have to suffer from insomnia, which I do.

I know it sounds a little creepy to want to be hooked up to a bunch of machines and let people watch you sleep, but I am so into the idea, it's crazy. I emailed the person coordinating the study. Hopefully I qualify.

memories. . .

I have been working on two writing projects lately, one of them being the completion of my memoir. It has taken years to get to the point where I'm at with it now. I feel like it will take a bit longer still, but to be making progress is gratifying. I have been creating this time line, that the book follows. It's been quite a process, but basically I just sit and try to remember all these details of events by just recalling one memory at a time and expanding on it, which will usually lead to another memory. The result: a big piece of plexiglass like paper, covered in memories scribbled on post it notes in chronological order. It's a bit intimidating to look at all at once. I was definitely a very "active" teenager, and trying to recall every little detail of all my shenanigans takes some skill. It's also often a bit hard recalling memories of events that bear a tragic undertone. It's almost like a process of desensitization is necessary to deal with digging up all this crap.

The second project I am working on is a 'zine, a bit less stressful to work on, and doesn't have any depressing subject matter, so it is a good balance to the memoir.

I think I may head out to the coffee shop, do some writing there, since my house is cold and uninspiring at the moment. A latte should do the trick. It's like instant inspiration.

application for a new life

I just went on-line and filled out an application for the cosmetology program at the San Francisco Institute of Esthetics and Cosmetology. It is something that I have been talking about and wanting to do for a while now, and I am excited to actually be pursuing it. After deciding that it was the right choice, I avoided phone calls to the admissions department, and would lust after the website, dreaming of a career in hair and make-up. Today, I finally talked to the admissions director, and afterward went to the website and filled out the e-paper work that they needed, as well as made an appointment to meet with them.

It makes me so nervous to be applying for something that I could either get rejected from or not excel at even if I was accepted. I am already freaking out about what to wear, how I will style my hair. Natural make-up, or a more sophisticated night time look? It will be at ten in the morning, so I am sure I won't go too overboard.

I am going to need a new outfit. Or maybe a xanax or something. Ah, nerves. I am so anxious sometimes, it makes me a little crazy. 

Okay, well ultimately I am really proud of myself for actually doing something I keep saying I am going to do. Hopefully this is just one of many things in my life that will change in that way. I am also working on securing a gym membership this week (for the right price) and then I will start working out, which is another thing that i keep wanting to be better at, physical fitness. And last but certainly not least, I really really want to dedicate time and energy into writing my memoir. It is going to be draining, but I have all these people around me that will support me through anything, so why not do it now. Besides ,I feel like I have been talking about it for so long that if i don't do it soon, I will never finish it.  

thursday.

I haven't been dedicating a lot of time to writing lately, instead I have been indulging in long hot baths, trashy novels, Internet television and smoking pot. I can't help but think that this has all been counter productive to my writing. Although I am a firm believer in relaxation, vacations, spa treatments and manis and pedis, I am really not all for just plain laziness. I woke up early today, wanting to do something different. I wasn't sure what I was going to do so early, since I woke up with Denise and hung out with her while she prepared for her day. She has since left, and I am slowly sipping my tea, going over possible to-do lists for the day. I planned out several meals for the week, and made a corresponding shopping list. I was half debating going to the store now, but I don't think that I want to brave Safeway this early in the morning. I haven't even showered yet.

Okay, waiting for something to strike me.

Lightning maybe?