my so called life

NO on Prop 8

From my open window in my living room I can hear the crowds that are marching through the streets for gay rights, and in opposition of prop 8 passing. It warms my heart at the same time that it brings tears to my eyes and chills to my bones. I was at the city hall vigil wednesday night, and it was truly amazing to be with that many people, and walk so far for something we all believed in.

Tonight there are many more. I am so close to Market street, it almost feels as if I am there.

I wonder if I can see it from my rooftop.

wasting my time in the waiting line

still deciding if i really feel like going out right now. i've been in the house for way too long, really need to get out and do something. there is a dance party at the transfer, happens every monday. i have gone, maybe like three times, but it's monday and there's nothing else going on and i want to dance and get dressed and be seen.

i have also been watching the rachel zoe project all day, and quite possibly it is making me want to get dressed up, just because i have been exposed to so much fashion.

tomorrow is a big day.

hope you all have the gays in mind when you vote.

(NO ON PROP 8)

I would like to get married someday, and it would be horrific if I couldn't do it in the place that I grew up. California.

you know you love me, xoxo

Ahh,Gossip Girl, I really do love you. And now it is time to dissect the reason of why. As well as being wrapped up in the world of Gossip Girl, an inside look into the lives of a group of privileged teenagers that attend an elite NYC private school, I have been equally obsessed with Candace Bushnell. She has been named the philosopher queen of the social scene. Also documenting the details of living in New York, though tending to reach a little farther up when looking for characters, Candace Bushnell is the author behind Sex and the City, Lipstick Jungle, and has just released a new juicy novel that is currently sitting at my bedside, One Fifth.

SO, What is it about these fictional characters, mixed with a heavy dose of current pop culture that I love so much? For starters, Josh Schwartz, the creator of the O.C. (a show I loved) is the one behind converting this young adult novel to a t.v. series, but I think it's more than that. Perhaps it is the lure of Kristen Bell's (Veronica Mars) voice as she narrates the show's storyline, posing as the anonymous blogger herself, Gossip Girl. Maybe it isthe fact that I have been obsessed with the idea of fame and celebrities since I was a child. When by myself, and even with friends, I was constantly acting as if I were on camera, or being interviewed for some important paper. Although, when I think more about it, the lavish display of current fashion, outfits, hair and make-up are probably the biggest draw for me. Half the people I asked about Gossip Girl, after either turning them on to it myself, or discovering that they secretly succumbed to the show's pull on their own, told me that they just thought they were "soooo preeetty". . . Delivered in a dreamy, I wanna look like that, kind of  voice that is usually reserved for speaking of girls in magazines. It's true, Blair Cornelia Waldorf and Serena Celia Van Der Woodsen are both beautiful (real life it-girls Leighton Meester and Blake Lively) and they are the same girls that we see gracing the top ten lists in terms of style. So, it makes sense to me why others like myself might love this show so much. After checking the wikipedia entry on G.G. I see that it's plot line seems to be so much more sticky and high-drama in the television series, which was also what I found to be the case with Bushnell's Lipstick Jungle. This is intentional however, and it is in response to our gossip driven fast pace sex obsessed society. We see reading and television viewing as two totally separate forms of entertainment, and wouldn't watch a show that delivered the same excitement as a book. I also find that wheneverer adapting a book to screen, some of the original story is inevitably changed. In this case I say, it was all for the better, and I am hooked. After viewing all 18 of the first season's episodes, I am now up to the most current events in the lives of these upper east side youngsters. I will be awaiting episode 9's release on the web next Tuesday.

Gossip Girl Season Two can be found on CWTV.com, and Season One can be found on websites such as surfthechannel.com

Also Check out Lipstick Jungle Season One and Season Two on NBC.com, where you can view episodes for free.

waking up scared

femme in charge of camping trip

I am approaching my girlfriend's 32nd birthday, and am in charge of planning the festivities, with some help from our best pal, Erin Singer. These last few days have been a test of truly being able to think of others. You would perhaps assume upon meeting me that I am not the biggest fan of camping,and this simply isn't true. I grew up in California, braving the parks on the weekends for some majorly intense hiking, as wellas setting up some pretty serious camp, more than a couple of times. I have, of course, in my later life adjusted to the comforts of living in the city, attending spas regularly, blow-drying my hair daily, getting dressed up primarily in fancy outfits that gay men would want to steal, watching online television in the comfort of my apartment living room. These are things I have come to love, but this doesn't mean I can't "rough it" for a few days like any butch could.

I think all of this, but in planning the trip, I kept thinking (but not verbalizing)questions like, oh, I wonder if there is a day spa or something near by where we could get facials.  After which I immediately put myself in check and told myself, that's not something everyone would be into. Especially not your girlfriend. Not if the alternative activity is taking a hike or going to the beach. 

I would like to think that I am just as outdoorsy as the next lesbian, but truth be told, even if my upbringing has prepped me for the ability to endure the outdoors, it is just not my cup of tea. So, while I am searching the internet for available camp sites in California, I have to steer myself away from "beach cottages with pools" and "small cabin near resort and spa" which is actually quite difficult. But, all in the name of love, right?

recent inspirations

Went out to a Radar Reading Series event the other night, here in SF. As always I was blown away by who Michelle Tea chooses to have bare their soul for us month after month at the literary events she coordinates. One girl in particular really struck me as being brilliant. Her name is Nicole, and she is from Portland. She has a blog and a v-log, and also puts out several zine's and has published a compilation of her work. She basically writes about her life, which is so inspiring to see. It makes me want to write more, to listen to her advice and just get out there and make the world around me my characters. Go to a coffee shop for three hours or more and just write about something, anything, just do it. I am lacking follow through lately. I really want to be able to take on so much and succeed at it all. But what if I am not capable? Fear often gets in the way. It is my last name after all. Zoe Feahr

the last day

I can't believe it is already my last day at work, it seems to have come so suddenly. Now at least I will have time to find other things to inspire me to write and make art. May have to change tis blog slightly. The subject matter at least. I am debating whether I want to try and find things to sell on my last day, or if I hsould just buy te stuff I have on hold as a last hurrah. I may try to gather a FEW things to part with for trade. It is the last day that I can sell to Nicole. In the future I will have to sell only to Managers. Ah, well, I guess If I don't sell, it won't be the end of the world.

Okay, well I am off to get dressed and face the day.

Dinner tonight with Denise at a fancy place near our house. Yum!

Tea in the morning in place of coffee is just no substitute really. But, surprisingly enough, I am doing really well with this little test of restraint. Tonight we will see how easy it is for me to not drink in an environment where I am usually completely wasted, or at least half way there. We are going out dancing at this party at the Cat Club. I am sure it will be fun sober, at least I know we will be with a good group of friends.
I am avoiding  getting ready for work in a major way right now. I am still dressed in my pajamas. My stomach begs for food as I slowly sip my Organic English Breakfast Tea. I don't know what I want to wear today. Probably a dress and boots with a cardigan and tights. That's sort of my typical outfit formula. There are several variants. Dress with belt. Without cardigan. Dress over jeans, tucked in boots, or with ballet flats. There are casual days when I wear something like jeans and a hoodie, with a tank top. But, today, of all days, is not a casual day. It's Friday, which means everyone is out to have a good time and most importantly, look good. I know that some people of the world think Friday is a casual day. In my world there are a different set of rules for dressing.
So, it is decided then. I will wear a dress. The real question is, which dress? It is a question I come up against at least once a day. Sometimes more if I am attending several social events, plus work. I tend to go for vintage dresses, unless I am going out and then I tend to pick sequin encrusted frocks or super tulle infested party dresses, fit for a five year old. Or a twenty-five year old.

On my way to work today I was probably the happiest I would be for the next 8 hours, and that is because I was walking in the sun, with my Ipod, listening to all my favorite songs. Indulging in the final fifteen minutes I had before hell (work). That new Katy Perry song (which I did download, yes.) came up on shuffle, and just as I started singing along, I remembered my dream from last night.  I was totally hanging out with Katy Perry, and I so liked it! We were smoking weed and singing  and I'm pretty sure we were wearing our underwear, or perhaps swim wear. I seem to remember there being near or partial nudity. It was really hard to analyze that one. I hardly ever remember my dreams, I kind of wished that the one I had was a bit more meaningful. But, on the other hand, I did hang out with Katy Perry last night, practically naked, and it was pretty realistic. I have nothing to base that last statement on, because I have never seen her in real life, but the colors were very vivid, extremely realistic, as was her voice, and her ruffly undergarments.
It was a nice memory to hold while walking to work, but it was quickly tossed aside as I walked into the doors of my store. It was twelve o'clock and I was going to be barely on time, but I had secret plans of being five minutes late every day until I leave. So I knew I had a few minutes to fix my hair and reapply makeup before actually beginning work. At 12:05 exactly, I clocked myself in and walked out onto the sales floor. Normally at this point in my morning I would be clutching my coffee but today I was without. I have recently (as of exactly 4 days ago) quit drinking coffee, and alcohol. It is important to understand while digesting this fact, that I drink about two cups of coffee a day. Usually at least one of those cups has a double shot of espresso in it. Also, I almost always have a drink after work, sometimes more than one. Drinking coffee is a coping mechanism for me all day at work, and I switch to alcohol after work. These two things combined are extremely big in my world. One of my favorite things to do in life is order a drink and sit somewhere. I am big on drinking out, even though it is so much more expensive. But, there is just something about the experience of drinking out, in a bar or cafe that you love, or have never been to before, that is just so invigorating.Ordering drinks to go, or to be delivered, is my second favorite after drinking out.
My morning ritual usually consists of ordering coffee to go, at one of two cafes near my apartment. This morning I really wished I was still drinking coffee, because Odwalla juice just isn't the same when trying to gain relief from pushy sellers.
They were being especially pushy today, and were bringing in repulsive clothing by the bag load. I don't know what inspired people today to get rid of things they haven't worn or looked at since before 2002, but they were seriously cleaning out some deep closets. I wanted to know where they had been storing all this crap? I was impressed with the volume, and I do this for a living. The other really disappointing fact is that almost everyone who brings in that much stuff is going to have to be turned away for at least half of it. There is just no way we can even buy that much.
One man was really sort of slow. It took him a moment to realize I didn't want any of what he brought in. I repeated my line. "Yea, so I didn't see anything that we could use for the store, but thanks for coming in".
He scoffed at me. "SO, you don't buy J.CREW?"
Um, first of all, I did not pass on J crew, as a company, it was specifically the items that you had selected and then worn and then forgot about, from J Crew, that I have passed on.
This is what I want to say, but instead I simply repeat the phrase above, simplifying it so that maybe he would understand and pack up his stuff and leave.
It is always especially awkward when someone won't leave after they have been rejected on the buying counter. The only people that do this are the crack heads (who stay and cuss at you) people who are just a little bit slow, and take a while to process the whole transaction, and the crazies. I call a large majority of the people who basically live outside of my work, at the corner, the Crazies. All day long they try to come in and sell crap they find on the street or in garbage cans, trying to get money. Sometimes they get other people to come in and sell for them, because I am pretty sure they know we pass on the stuff they bring in because they are crazy.

the final countdown

It's getting so close to the end of my time at work, that I am beginning to wonder what I will do with all my free time after I am done there. Will I force myself to adhere to a wake up call every morning if I do not have to? Most likely not, and yet I fear for how late I may sleep, if I do not require myself to have at least some sort of goal each day. I am going to put a heavy focus on writing, as it is one of the things I wish to pursue the most. I would also like to put some thought into school, and whether I wish to dive into that world right now. It's a lot to ponder, and I know I won't really come to any conclusions until I am actually free. Which makes the stress of leaving that much more intense. I guess I can really only take things as they come to me, or one day at a time, as they used to say in AA meetings I attended as a young adolescent. Today, I plan to have a positive approach to my day, and no matter what bullshit I encounter I will try my best to have a Zen approach to it, We will see how trying a task this is for me, when the day comes to an end.

Oh, in regards to my last post, I didn't have any finished projects at the time to take pictures of, but after my second class at Stitch lounge, I now have two dresses that I will try to photograph and post as soon as possible.